**

T stayed upstairs with me till it was time for me to go to work -she can be such a sweetie. Still being extra affectionate (which I don’t mind at all). TP on the other hand is driving me nuts today -in and out, in and out. It’s hard cause she gets bored and doesn’t know what she wants and can’t settle down or sit still. Tweedles is also driving me nuts -she barks at everything and nothing. I’m really thinking shock collar ,but I really hate to do that -she is a really good dog otherwise, but the water bottle just isn’t doing the trick (though it worked wonders on Precious). Even though I lost almost 20lbs I can’t really tell. I know thats because I was soo big (I am), but I wonder at what point will I be able to say Wow- it looks like I lost some weight? 50lbs? 75lbs? I’m gonna call BS and wish him a happy birthday, then read a little Vittorio.

**

T is sleeping with me tonight. POE went pretty well-ate 2 fig bars and 3 m+m’s and almost all my soup. T and the girls ate a little. It was really good! POE for tomorrow.B.-v8,kbar (or omelet). / L.- turkey on wheat with cottage cheese/ S.- almonds. D.- 2 hotdogs and 1 cam baked beans, 2 slices of buttered bread or toast. 

**

Left a couple bites of my mac and cheese in the bowl. When all my current pasta is gone I think I’m gonna switch to whole grains. No call yet about the diabetes counseling – this is so frustrating I think  I might have to find a new Dr.  Dr. F. sucks! To bad Dr. D. can’t be my regular family Dr. Anywhos time to get tomorrow’s POE out-of-the-way. B.-hmm -let me think-hmm… how about v8 and a kbar (omelet if its raining -nah muffin!)/ L.- turkey on wheat, v8 and yogurt / S.- almonds / D.- wedding soup (crackers or toast)

**

Went and got my script – add another $20 bucks. But my sugar is actually lower after eating than before 105/91. So it must do something. Lunch was ok – having company tonight so I might be changing my POE for dinner – not sure yet. It will depend on whether they’ve eaten already or not. T will be there when I get home too! TP is sleeping on the pot – I’m gonna let her be for a bit. Technically I’m not allowed to make her stay up – but as her mom decrees I try to follow, but right now KP is out mowing grass so I’ll let TP catch a few more winks.

**

I just had the most god awful almond-if I was a chemist I’d test the thing- I think it’s poisonous. It looks perfectly fine. I’m going to have to remember to look up ‘bad almonds’ on the internet – huh and until just now I thought all almonds were bad – heck the rest taste like spun honey compared to that one.

**

Tonight is dragging for me. I picked up my new Anne Rice book tonight – Vittorio – has nothing to do with any of the vampires from the previous books but so far reads ok. I have two quotes I want to add today the first one–

“DO OR DO NOT! THERE IS NO TRY” – Yoda

Ahh Yoda wisdom! How often I write in here I will try. Saying that is like giving yourself an out when things get hard with no accountability. I was just about to write that I wanted to try not to argue with mom during her visit. With my HP’s help I will not argue with her and will keep the atmosphere pleasant – in so as much as I have control to do so! The second is another by my major inspirational quote guy-

“I ACT LIKE SHIT DON’T PHASE ME, INSIDE IT DRIVES ME CRAZY! MY INSECURITIES COULD EAT ME ALIVE!” -Eminem

Wow-that’s me! Letting go of my insecurities is the hardest thing in the world. Once again I know I can’t do it myself.  I give them to my HP. Nothing else has worked so I have to believe that this will. I surrender.

**

POE for tomorrow. B.- v8, kbar (egg muffin)/ L.- lg salad, v8, cottage cheese. / S.-almonds / D.- turkey on wheat, bowl of mac and cheese and applesauce. Nummy! I really love the song ‘If I had a million dollars” I’ve listened to it 5 or 6 times today Bout 1 hour till I see T!!! I think I’ll mix up my morning walks a little bit. I’m gonna flip a coin – tails I walk my route backwards – what a rebel I am. Tails – walking backwards tomorrow- if it’s not raining (grrr-rain).

Had my egg white cheddar omelet with 2 sausage links for breakfast. Gonna try and get through house work quick today – if I can get billing done before I go to work and the rain holds out I might get a walk in tonight.

**

Got the billing done (as much as possible) but it poured at work.

Stayed on POE – did have 2 fig bars at work. POE for tomorrow. B.-v8, Kbar/ L.-turkey on wheat, leftover soup / D.- is going to be tricky- going to Shawn’s – reasonable dinner or top at Sheetz for salad or sub. If I come home 4 slices of pizza bread with side salad.

Got the big am Dr. appointment – little nervous- I’ve been trying pretty hard to be good, but won’t give up if it’s not reflected in the numbers. My HP will help me get through tomorrow and hopefully I’ll get the girls to SH park this weekend. (Normal walks during the week if the rain ever quits). Grass really needs mowed too. One good thing T’s coming home tomorrow. Super Sweet! I miss the little rugrat tons!

We are listening to tapes right now. I didn’t share (as of yet). I just feel tired today – gonna listen now.

**

The tape we listened to today talked about fear. The group took turns sharing about good vs. bad fears and what their individual fears were. I talked about my fear of losing T. I know its irrational that J and S have no current plans of moving or leaving – but just the mention of it scares me to my core. So today I ask my HP to help me live in today and enjoy it and not to fear what may happen tomorrow – after all tomorrow I might be dead!

I had 2 fig bars. (1 serving size). Not in my POE but I was responsible enough not to eat 10. I will stay on POE for the rest of the day! I might have had a tiny slip from POE but I remain abstinent and did not compulsively overeat!

**

I have been trying to look ‘inward’ and do an inventory as the ‘big book’ says to. I am also a compulsive liar. – I’ve lied to everyone – everyone at some point and  usually over something little and of no real importance – sometimes to make a story more elaborate or sometimes so I have a story to tell. I have been nothing but 100% honest at my OA meetings – although I recall wanting to tell a lie at the meeting today – my HP must have stopped me because nothing else ever has. I can’t even begin to list the lies because the are so inconsequential that I usually forget as soon as I tell them. Here is one I have told people- that my doctor told me to check my blood or that when I asked questions she put me off saying ‘we’d go over it at my next appointment’. All lies! I was never told to get a glucose meter to begin testing my blood. Nothing- I haven’t even talked to the Dr. since she called and told me I had type 1 diabetes and that I would have to start diabetic counseling and that my family Dr. would go over everything at my follow-up appointment.

I am from this point on turning over not only my compulsion to overeat but also my compulsion to lie both over to my HP. I know I can’t control these things on my own and I need my HP’s help.

**

Plan on taking the girls to SHpark in the morning for a hike – as long as it’s not raining. Think I’m gonna check the park out before I tell J about it. Did pretty good today. Ate a low-fat fig bar at home this evening but didn’t eat all of my noodles. Okay tomorrow B.-v8, kbar (omelet if its raining) / L.- turkey on what with yogurt unless I remember to take some money and buy a new head of lettuce on the way home from my walk, itc , large salad and yogurt, v8 / S.-almonds / D.- 2 grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup with side salad. I have to admit that so far the POE has been a very useful tool in the 301 plan. I’ll find out Monday how much I’ve lost, but even if it’s not a lot (or hell none). I feel better on average than I have in a while and thats definitely something to be thankful for. Thanks HP!

Anyways started a quick upper body workout last night. Gonna incorporate it into my daily schedule. Time for me to go get some work done.

**

Went to see BS’s play tonight ‘Much Ado About Nothing” it was pretty good. BS makes an excellent villan.

Stayed on POE today – for dinner I ordered grilled chicken with mushrooms 2 pieces of bacon and cheddar cheese on it. My sides were tossed salad with fat-free dressing applesauce and 1 dinner roll. I did have a bowl of Chex tonight also.

POE for tomorrow B.- v8, egg white omelet / L.- turkey on wheat and soup / S.- almonds / D.-Chicken patti on wheat and noodle side and applesauce.

Meeting in the am –  oh joy!

December 17 ’09 –most of my sarcasm doesn’t really work in posts …the oh joy at the end there was sarcastic…usually i will use the phrases sweet or woot if I’m really excited about something…but usually im not!

Precious got her hair cut yesterday and I can’t get over how skinny she looks. These walks have really slimmed her down a bit. She is still usually the caboose of our walking train. Tweedles pulling the leash ahead of me and Precious trailing behind. Lol. Think I’m gonna give mom a quick call ‘fore I start stuff around here.

**

I think I actually accomplished everything I wanted to before work – of course the fact that I couldn’t get ‘Lost’ to play on my ’puter probably has something to do with it. I think my car might be dying. I really hope not cause I don’t know how I can afford another one.

I talked to BS little bit last night and kinda put it out there that I needed straps on the dress. HP please help me to swallow my fears and let everything work out. I want BS to have a beautiful day.

God it’s muggy out today – kind of day where it feels like you could reach out and wring water from air.

I’m starting to miss T. Its been nice having the house to myself, but I’m ready for her to come home.

**

Mark it on the calendar – I got everything done that I planned to today and I think I’ll sleep good tonight!

B.- kbar, v8 (or egg muffin)/ L.- turkey on wheat and cottage cheese and v8 (or large salad and egg muffin) / D.- something sensible at restaurant / S.-almonds and bowl of chex if needed.

Stayed on POE today – fish at dinner was lousy. I think it was a little freezer burned. 4 days abstinent! 12:45am and I’m totally done in.

B.- Chex cereal / L.-Chicken patti with soup/ D.- Large turkey salad, egg white muffin / S.- almonds at work.

Have to do time sheets tonight – what fun! Tired and headachey. Got a message from A last night about bridesmaid dresses. Pretty if you’re a size 2 with B cup tits – the dress is sleeveless – which is going to be hard for me cause of bra issues. Life sucks!  Wonder if I can use my diabetes as an excuse to get out of this wedding -BLAH!!

**

Did a little work with my free weights tonight but I need to find an actual routine or two for days I don’t walk or want to not count as a pass.

Anyways I should do a POE and get to sleep – it’s almost 1am. B-(if walk) Kbar,v8 (no walk) egg white muffin, and v8 / L.-turkey on wheat and yogurt / D.- 2 fish planks, serving of tator tots, green beans and applesauce cup for dessert. / S.- 25 almonds at work.

**

I’m really bothered by the inventories, who have I really hurt that I need to make amends to? If Mitzy doesn’t shut up soon I will have to make amends to K and L for killing their dog! Diddo for their kid, TP is giving me a headache – which isn’t new – its hot and humid and I’m irritable! I wish I would have been able to drive over – but K wanted me to come to the other house first, where she had an ambush set up with people trying to get me to sign a union card. Then into her car to come over here – instead of sweet AC she puts the windows down and then I’m a hot sticky mess with hair in wind-blown knots -fun fun! Now I just sit in the sun getting a headache and we still have the trip home to look forward too!

I went back into my disease yesterday It is going to be hard for me around mom- first she makes comments like “sounds boring” about my meetings and then says things like “I think I’m a compulsive eater too! I think everyone is!”. She doesn’t understand and I feel like she belittles my efforts. Other than the few moments when OA was discussed I had a great time.

 Getting back on track today. For breakfast I had a Special K cereal bar. For lunch- v8, turkey on wheat, yogurt. For dinner tonight chicken patti sandwich, side salad, applesauce. I’m going to eat my 25 almonds as a snack at the Career Link tonight. A little late with the POE but I feel better about  staying on track at home. There were just too many temptations at the ‘rents than I could handle. My HP helped me from going way off the deep end, and also to start again today without wallowing in guilt over yesterday. My HP actually woke me up at 8 this morning without my alarm, but I didn’t want to get back on track, so I shut my HP out and went back to bed. This disease will not beat me however many times I slip. I will stand tall.

A hawk just flew over and screeched – I’ve seen hawks all my life – but thats the first time I’ve heard one screech. Sounds exactly like it does on tv. Cool!

**

What a day – got hardly anything accomplished-feel drained.

POE for tomorrow. B.-cereal bar and v8/ L.-Turkey on wheat and cottage cheese and v8/ D.- chicken, pasta (alfredo packet?), side salad, 1/2 can of peas/ S.-25 almonds during work. Going to try getting up to walk tomorrow. Got the alarm all set. Stayed on POE today. Restarting count- 1 day abstinent!